I Hate Cancer!

This morning another friend lost her mother to cancer.  This year I heard of several who lost their life to cancer.  Others are still fighting for their lives.  Hope for a cure is always there for the patient and their families until close to the end.  Watching a loved one die of cancer is heartbreaking.  I have experienced it myself.  Ralph, who I dated for two years before he passed away, died of stomach cancer. The last five weeks of his life I spent as much time as I could with him.  I dropped out of college and had my ex take my kids as much as possible during that time.  My whole life focus was on him.  It was a very trying time where I relied on God to give me the strength to get through each day.  I am still relying on Him. 

 Similar to Alzheimer’s, the loved one with cancer experiences often acute dementia from the pain and medication near the end. This is very trying for the people around the patient.  I remember one time Ralph was so determined to get out of bed and go somewhere he was trying to put his pants on only he did not realize he was using his bed sheet as pants.  At that point his legs could not support him but he was constantly trying to get out of bed.  Another time,only a few days before he died, he managed to get himself out of his bed and crawl to the door of his room at the nursing home.  He was very determined to get out of there.  I was not strong enough to stop him.  Or maybe inside I was hoping he would escape and we could live happily ever after.  The hope was still there in my heart even though my brain was telling me it was impossible.  Later that night he seemed to be himself again and he hugged me and told me he loved me. He had never said that before but he showed me in many ways.  Two days later he was gone.  My best friends were with him when he passed.  He told them to take care of Alice before he was gone.  I needed to be taken care of for weeks after his passing. I was in a state of shock even though I had known he was going to die for weeks.  Even though he has been gone for 12 years I still miss him every day. 

With time it gets easier.  Ralph died on November11^th.  After Christmas I went back to college.  I was taking online classes so I was home with my children. I started out slow taking only one class between the semester break.  It was a three week course which covers an entire semester material.  The intensity of the course gave me something else to focus on.  After that I was able to go back to college full time.  However, since I was not working I found I was avoiding a social life other than church and going out to see the above mentioned friends from time to time.  I found I would say I was coming to a social event and then at the last minute decide not to go.  I remember one time I was invited to a lunch with friends from church at one of their homes. I made myself go even though it was very hard!  As time went on I found going out socially became easier.  I even joined an online Christian dating site and met some great Christians beyond my family and my church.  However, that led to what I call a “great learning experience” while I was in grad school.  The experience helped me see what a good man Ralph was and makes me wish he was still here.

When a loved one is dying of cancer the “five stages of grieving” start long before the loved one dies.  At first everyone concerned is in denial.  A cure will be found before it is too late is always on the family’s mind.  Just one more round of chemotherapy or radiation should do the trick.  Even when the doctors say there is no more they can do there is still hope a miracle will happen.  Denial often lasts right up to the end.  Along with denial comes anger and bargaining.  The “why me God?” comes to mind, even for Christians, though many do not admit it out loud.  Some become angry and turn away from God and their loved ones.  According to https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/it is okay to feel angry and it helps in healing.  Bargaining often goes along with denial and anger.  Even Christians will tell God they will do something if only He will heal their loved one.  Their mind knows bargaining is useless because it is all in God’s hands but they still do it.  Bargaining is a useful tool if it brings one closer to a relationship with God. Situational depression can happen to anyone who is coming to grips with the loss of a loved one.  Watching for the signs of depression in themselves or a loved one is important during this time.  Realizing your loved one is going to die can lead to hopelessness.  One must seek to find ways to find hope.  Often talking to a Pastor or a counselor can help bring hope back into your life.  During the last days of the loved one’s life there are a lot of mixed feelings going on. One feeling I find is “I can’t wait for this to be over so I can get on with my life” feeling.  As awful as one thinks it’s a terrible thing to think sometimes the intensity of 24 hours of care taking can bring us to those thoughts. However, those thoughts can lead to acceptance and bring us hope for the future.  The relief of acceptance and the hope for a future helps us go on from this point to a “normal” life again.  The stages of grief do not happen in order nor do they go away completely.  Some people may not experience all of them and some continue to have intense grief long after the loved one is gone.  Each person experiences these stages differently. Trusting the Lord every day to help us with our grief and to find comfort and hope!

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